Valuing others makes me feel visible and lifts me out of my CAD depression
Showing people how important they are helps me break the cycle
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When I was in middle school, a book I read had the following advice: “In order to have a good time at the party, I try to help others have a good time.”
Decades later, I had forgotten that advice as I sank into the emotional abyss of cold agglutinin disease (CAD). Long before my diagnosis, I had slowly, almost imperceptibly, withdrawn from activities, which is behavior that causes people to become invisible. We exist but are often forgotten when invitations are sent.
That earlier advice from the book I read in childhood is a good prescription for becoming more visible.
Doing what warms me
While many people with CAD suffer from depression, our Eeyore-like thinking carries a danger. Scientists believe there is a cycle between depression, rumination, and deepening depression. But making connections, and telling and showing others how important they are to you helps break that cycle. That may look like giving people your undivided attention.
This is a hard one for me. My mind drifts during conversations, following a tangent of what is said that leads mentally far from where we are. I have to discipline myself to look people in the eye as they are speaking, make mental notes on what they’re saying, and formulate questions about what they’ve just said. I need to listen in order to respond to my friends and not plan to “one-up” them in rebuttal. Sometimes I will return to a previous conversation. Many times, someone has said to me, “How did you remember that?”
Lately, I’ve started writing down notes after a conversation has ended. The purpose of this is to reaffirm the other person’s importance by recalling something they said to me.
The assumption in all of this is that I have set aside time to visit with the other person. It may just be meeting for lunch at a local delicatessen or going to an art gallery together. The key idea to this affirmation is time. I have that commodity in limited amounts, so I spend it with important people.
‘You are important to me’
Be sure to tell your important people they matter to you. Your actions may not show it. When I say to a friend, “You are important to me,” it gives them a concrete memory hook to hang their affirmation on. I am very thankful that every conversation with my late sister-in-law ended with “I love you.”
Three days a week, I meet with a student who has struggled with her reading and writing. A portion of each lesson involves building her confidence in her abilities and encouraging her to continue trying when things become difficult. I think I’m helping her. That, in turn, gives me a tangible experience to record in the column of my self-worth.
That child’s mother and I are both alumni of the same university and have maintained our closeness since graduation. Most Saturdays in the fall, we text each other as our team engages on a sports field. This past Saturday, at halftime, our team was barely in the lead. But I texted my friend that I needed to stop watching as the clutch on my heart muscle was too much. She texted back, “Please do. We like having you around.”
That student matters to me, and I’ve set aside time to work with her. Her mom matters to me due to our longstanding relationship. Apparently, I matter to them, too. They just told me so.
Hearing that gives me a concrete memory hook to hang that warming thought on. When CAD depression threatens to overwhelm me, I will take it off that hook like a comfortable, old sweater and wrap it around me to help warm my cooling emotions.
Note: Cold Agglutinin Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cold Agglutinin Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cold agglutinin disease.
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