After 50 years, my husband and I have ‘only just begun’

I made a decision on June 5, 1972, that has affected the rest of my life. Actually, that one decision rippled outward and affected many people worldwide, including my children, extended family, and students from six continents. On that day, my husband, Mike, and I stood before our families and friends and committed to putting each other’s interests and needs before our own. This Friday marks 50 years of that commitment.

A popular song of the time by brother-sister duo Richard and Karen Carpenter includes the lyrics: “Before the rising sun, we fly/ So many roads to choose.” We liked the song’s optimism, and it has really characterized our life together. Mike and I didn’t know it at the time, but life has taken us on roads from southern Alabama to northeastern Alabama, across the U.S. to California, and around the world to the rainforest of Papua, Indonesia.

And yes, we’ve just begun

As we settled into our life together, we developed a connection that was subtle to others. Once, Mike asked a friend if she knew where I was. The friend replied that I had walked to town and told her to tell Mike that he “could join me if he wanted.” Then Mike asked whether I had said he could join me (as in, “Well, he could join me, I suppose) or if he could join me (as in, “Would he please join me?”). He knew the difference in inflection.

We used traditional vows in our ceremony: “for better, for worse, in sickness and in health.” For most of our lives, we enjoyed good health. Now, we are challenged by my cold agglutinin disease (CAD), which has required a few adjustments.

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Mike and Mary Lott were married on June 5, 1976. (Courtesy of Mary Lott)

CAD is an autoimmune hemolytic anemia in which cold temperatures trigger the immune system to attack and destroy red blood cells. For us, this means sacrificing holiday visits with two of our children because they live in areas that are too cold for me. This isn’t being overly precautious; it’s taken me over a year to recover from a 30-second exposure to the cold.

Mike has taken over much of the heavy and active work. He now does most of the grocery shopping, housework, and laundry. I tend to fill out reports and correspondence related to our work, which is sedentary and allows me to still contribute.

Often, my symptoms are invisible to Mike. A few years ago, we took a walk together. Mike suggested that the early part of his walking circuit wasn’t strenuous, and that he would adjust his pace to match my plodding. It was out of my comfort zone, but I thought I’d give it a try.

The first part was fine. We walked along a relatively flat stretch of the street for 486 feet. Then the route turns to the right. After only 123 feet, we were to turn right again and continue toward our house on a parallel road. But those few feet increased slightly in elevation.

I wanted to stop and take the easy road back home, but Mike encouraged me to continue. I did a quick mental assessment and agreed. That was a mistake. I was so tired afterward that I remained in bed for the following two days. Anemia and subsequent fatigue are the primary symptoms of CAD.

We’ll find a place where there’s room to grow

At present, Mike and I are physically separated. With him in Papua and me in Alabama, there is a world between us. This was necessitated by my need for a checkup in December and resultant infusions beginning in January. The separation has lasted much longer than either of us had anticipated.

That will be remedied tomorrow morning, June 4, when he joins me in the United States. When discussing how we should celebrate Friday’s milestone, Mike said, “We ought to at least be on the same continent!”

As we prepare to reunite, this milestone is especially meaningful. The years of shared vows have taught us that “for better or worse” and “in sickness and in health” are not just words; they are lived daily through small acts of love and patience. Even with the adjustments CAD requires, we continue choosing each other, just as we did 50 years ago.

The last stanza of that Carpenters’ hit includes “And when the evening comes, we smile/ So much of life ahead.” We both think that we’ll continue in the same manner as we have for the next ever-so-many years, bumping along life, stronger together.

Note: Cold Agglutinin Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cold Agglutinin Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cold agglutinin disease.